I'm sitting outside a Starbucks in Culver City, Lynn's got the day off and she's in a meeting across the road. I drove her here, because I knew she'd be a bit stressed with the meeting and driving is still a pretty new thing to her. I also thought I'd be able to just sit a read some of those library books I got recently.
My problem is procrastination, I think. Or maybe it's indecision, I'm not sure. One of the challenges of not having a day job is knowing what to focus on any any particular time. I used to think that was tricky when I was working, but at work it can be quite easy and totally unemotional. Your boss says jump, you say ok. If your boss isn't saying jump, then you look at what you said you'd achieve and then make it happen. I know there's intricacies in my argument, like if your boss is an overly ambitious idiot, with no clue whatsoever as to how to achieve anything and keeps overloading you with tasks that are counter to your agreed targets / logic / common sense / reality.... Hmm, I like not having a day job a lot.
Still, the issue exists. What to do first and how long to do it for? At the moment I juggle websites, graphic design, event planning, child care, family chef'ing and there's this blog of course. Somewhere in that I want to make time to research and write a book.
I spotted a book at the library that was all about procrastination, but I didn't take it out. No, I wasn't procrastinating. When I skimmed the book, it seemed to be saying that procrastination is all about shame. It said shame holds everyone back from taking action, that if you search your mind for what made you feel unworthy and ashamed, then you can put those feelings to bed and start to take action. It seemed to me to be a book of self justification. We all have a childhood that was not our choice, but once you're an adult, it's time to move on and make your own choices. It annoys me that I procrastinate. Sometimes it annoys me enough to take action. It doesn't annoy me enough to feel like I'm a victim and I don't need seek out someone or something in my past to blame.
What I should be doing, is designing postcard flyers for Lynn's show.
What would like to be able to do, is read those library books to help inspire me to start sketching out my book.
But I sit here outside Starbucks in Culver City, with a backpack full of library books, typing this blog.